Breaking up is hard to do. As is being laid off.
For those of you who didn't see my many
Twitter updates, on June 24th
imeem.com and I broke up. Went our separate ways. Decided to see other people. Took a permanent vacation. Divorced. Etc.
In short,
imeem.com laid me off.
As I've been thinking through the feelings associated with the break-up, (
what else is a blog for if you can't think through your "feelings"??), I can't help but see the association between being laid-off and having a relationship break-up.
(
There's even the similarity with the hyphens! Well, who knows really. Apparently my grammar and spelling are atrocious. Thank you Mrs. Terry, 7th grade writing teacher, for nothing!!)
Anyway, when the relationship between you and your company comes to an end it happens in the following 3 ways:
1) "It's Not You It's Me"This is where your company decides it can't support your job anymore and will have to, sadly, let you go. No hard feelings, you're a great guy/gal, we're going in separate directions in life, we've reached the end of the line, etc. Typically this means your company has made some poor life decisions and spent all their money on gambling,
ad-supported business models, hookers, or all 3.
Either way, they can't afford to take you out on dates anymore and, let's be honest, they're looking for something different right now.
You're left feeling a little sad, a little bitter, but overall a feeling of understanding fills your little heart. In future conversations you'll talk about the good ole' days and reminisce about how much you really enjoyed your ex-company, and you might even keep some of their schwag around the house or drunk dial your ex-company in the coming months.
2) "It's Not Me, It's You"Although similar to #1, this break-up is entirely different. You and your company have started fighting and arguing. It's not clear why, but you're both angry and the end is near. Your company hasn't made any poor life decisions, but you're damned ready to make some of your own and screw the consequences!
You've also started looking around at other companies with their better pay, nicer benefits, and
expensive boob jobs. You've realized you can do better. Sure you'll miss the routine you and your company have, but hey! there's other fish in the sea right?!
You want out, they want you out, but no one really knows how to "
get 'er done".
This scenario can go 1 of 2 ways; either your company has finally had it and tells you to leave (
get out! you're fired!), or you tell your company you're leaving and you take another job. In all fairness the latter is the best outcome for the both of you. You don't want to burn any bridges, and your company doesn't want to hurt you. You both want to be able to get over the "
badness" and remember the good times before they're buried under a mountain of shit.
You part semi-amicably, shake hands, maybe hug, and leave. When asked by friends about what happened, you struggle not to tell them how screwed up your ex was or how bad the benefits were or how you had to do the work of 3 people just to get paid peanuts.
If you're smart you'll say, "
I don't want to talk about it", or, "
Mom always said if you can't something nice...". Cliched garbage like that.
Of course to your own embarrassment the following weekend you get drunk and tell everyone within earshot how you really feel about your ex-company. You're pathetic.
3) "I Hope You Die Alone and Unhappy You Filthy Whore"This break-up is the most dramatic and guaranteed to leave scars.
Whether you're fired or just laid-off there is such relief and such elation, combined with large doses of anger, you immediately rejoice in your new found freedom by getting drunk or calling all your friends and telling them the news. Even though you wanted to leave, how dare they treat you like that?! The injustice! The outrage! You're not laying me off, I'm laying
YOU off!!
You can't believe you're free of "
that dysfunctional bitch/dick!" and are now free to work wherever you want! You even contemplate slumming it a bit (
local supermarket, bartending, newspaper delivery guy/gal, Starbucks), because it's more important to be happy than to be working for "
the man" getting paid high dollar to sell your soul isn't it? Isn't it?
You'll hide your bitterness behind a sheer wall of anger and spew bile to anyone and everyone.
Burn bridges? You're ready to burn
WORLDS!
Not
only did they cheat on you and treat you like shit, you'll hint that your ex was involved in slavery, prostitution, drug trafficking, child labor, discrimination, and
cheated on their SAT's!
If you're really bitter you'll create fake profiles on
Facebook or
LinkedIn to get the word out.
You'll call them at odd hours and slur obscenities into their voicemail, laughing uproariously at something only you find funny.
It will be years before you've matured enough to feel guilty about your behavior, and if you're lucky you won't wind up in court for slander or libel. Or with a strange STD and associated drug-habit.
In conclusion, if you've made it this far you're no doubt wondering which bucket my break-up with
imeem.com falls into. That's an excellent question.
Unfortunately, I've run out of time and won't be able to go into all the nitty-gritty. Maybe next time I've had a few vodka tonics, eh?
In the meantime
here's some cats doing funny stuff. Enjoi!
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